'Twas The Night Before Calving.

There is a general consensus that cows are very slow witted. Some folks go as far as to say they are profoundly stupid. I disagree. I think they are extremely smart and have an aloof personality not unlike that of a cat. True, they do what they want, when they want to do it, and they do it on their own terms. I think that puts them in a category of having a pretty high level of intelligence.

We raise a few head of cattle here on the the ranch. To be exact, we have a tiny heard of tiny miniature cows. They average about 40 inches tall. They apparently don't know they are small because they have large attitudes. That is especially true of "Soul Fire", our bull. Like most bulls, he fluctuates between a calm semi- sweet mode and a testosterone driven killer mode. He switches them back and forth like a human bull switches channels on a television.

Because we are never sure how Soul Fire will react in any given situation we always give him a wide berth and move cautiously around him. Did I mention he has a set of full sized horns that add to our need for caution ?

A little while back one of our cows "Twinkle" was getting ready to give birth. As the expected date grew near we watched anxiously for signs of labor. When at last the tell-tell signs appeared we decided it was time to separate her from the bull and rest of the herd and move her the birthing pen. That task is generally easy and creates no problems, however things didn't go quite as planned this time.

For some reason Twinkle, who is generally sweet and cooperative, got it into her head that she did not want to go into the birthing pen. No amount of coaxing, prodding, pleading, trickery, tomfoolery, or copious amounts of hay and grain could get her to change her mind. Fact: She was not going into the pen.

The following are notes I've made in the Calving Journal:

(Note to self: When attempting to lure a pregnant cow into the birthing pen mind where your hind-end is, and do not back into the electric fence wire. Backing into the electric fence wire causes a sudden explosion of energy that catapults a person forward into the metal gate.

Catapulting into the metal gate can cause that person to cut her hand on a sharp corner of latch. Cutting that persons hand on the gate can cause that person to yelp in pain, jump backward and hit the electric fence again.

Result? That person is overcome with an indefinably long period of a numbing sensation from head to toe that can cause that persons feet and mind to go completely numb.

Result? Trying to walk with a numb mind and numb feet can cause that person to trip over a rock and fall face down.

Result? There is a 100% chance the pregnant cow will spook due to all the commotion and run to the opposite side of the pasture.

Result? Numb minded, numb footed, bleeding person will most likely trot after the frightened pregnant cow in an attempt to lure her back to the point of origin and the gate of the birthing pen.

Result? Moving from the shelter of the birthing pen, the bull can now see the numb minded, numb footed, bleeding and let's now add stupid person chasing after the love of his life. This causes him to become irritated and he charges toward them.

Result? Husband of numb minded, numb footed, bleeding, stupid person, hollers to her with a warning that the bull is headed toward her and not looking at all happy with the current situation in his pasture.... Dah!

Result? Stupid, numb minded, numb footed, bleeding, frightened, person trotting after the pregnant cow now realizes there is no way she can outrun the irritated bull and his big horns, so she dives into an outcropping of large over-grown black berry bushes.

Result? Bull show signs of being much smarter than stupid, numb minded, numb footed, bleeding, frightened person hiding in the black berry bushes. He begins to calmly graze on the berry leaves a few feet from her face while blocking any means of escape and waiting patiently for the opportunity to charge her once she moves into the open.

Result? Stupid, numb minded, numb footed, frightened, bleeding person begins to bleed more profusely from being pricked by the thorns of the ancient black berry bushes, nearly pees her pants and screams for help.

Result? Calm husband saves the day by tossing a half bale of hay over the fence on the opposite side of the pasture so stupid, numb minded, numb footed, profusely bleeding, frightened person can rapidly escape over the electric fence.

Result? Once the bull moves from the immediate area, stupid, stupid, stupid, numb minded, numb footed, frightened, and profusely bleeding person lets out a war whoop and dives head first over the electric fence. She most likely looks like a world class high diving champion as she lands safely, albeit painfully, on the rocky ground outside the pasture.

Result? Husband emerges from the barn and yells "OK, the fence if off, you can climb out now... hey...where are you?"

Result? Husband gets an ear full of unique and descriptive adjectives as stupid, numb minded, numb footed, profusely bleeding, frightened, angry person, limps toward him with clinched teeth and fists.

Final result? When husband is reunited with his angry, limping, stupid, numb minded, numb footed, frightened, bleeding wife who, by the way, is still spewing foreign sounding words from her mouth, they notice the pregnant cow is totally missing. She is nowhere in sight. The bull and the rest of the herd are munching cheerfully on their new bounty of hay, but there is no sign of the pregnant cow.

Ahh hah! When finally located it was duly noted that the pregnant cow had miraculously walked up into the birthing pen on her own and was in the early stages of an easy labor.
End Notes to self)

Memo to Self: Never try to outsmart a pregnant cow and her vicious mate.