The Heimlich Maneuver

I look at computers pretty much the same way I look at a burp. They are a fact of life, they can be irritating, frustrating and sometimes down right embarrassing. However, both computers and burps have a purpose in my life, and I live with that fact.

Like most people, I have a love/hate relationship with my computer whom I have named "Mr PIBS" Which translates to: Pain In The Butt System!

After endless weeks of nursing the ailing Mr. PIBS along, I threw myself on the mercy of two computer technicians from my husbands office, Mike and Byron.

The two of them huddled over Mr. PIBS and mumbled to each other in a language totally alien to my ears. Occasionally they would look up and ask me questions about his CMOS or DRAMS or EDI...like I know these things?

After seeing my clueless expressions, they pretty much ignored me and began to dissect poor MR PIBS. In a matter of minutes they told me he was "Terminal" (pun intended.) When I explained that we did not have sufficient money to cover purchasing a new unit and that despite my efforts to claim him as a dependent, Mr PIBS was not a rider on our Blue Cross Medical Insurance, they graciously offered to take him on as a hard-ship case.

As they carried him in pieces out my office door they said they would happily donate their time and expertise to rebuild him if my husband and I would cover the cost of parts and maybe throw in a nice dinner for them and their wives. I happily agreed.

After spending nearly two weeks in intensive care, Mr PIBS was able to come home. His transformation was nothing short of miraculous. Although I still call him Mr. PIBS, that now translates to: Pretty Incredibility Built System.

Last night was set aside as the "pay back dinner" for the technicians and their wives. Rather than trying to coordinate a home cooked meal, we all decided it would be more practical and more fun to have everyone meet at one of our local Chinese restaurants.

The meal was going well, and we were enjoying the typical exchange of conversation and bantering that accompanies gatherings of this sort. We touched lightly on politics, world turmoil, and the cost of living, and so forth. Suddenly, focus of the conversation turned to Bruce and me, and Bruce decided to tell a story involving me that I found a bit embarrassing.

In light-hearted jest, I lightly poked him with my elbow and cleared my throat, which was my way of hinting that we should move on to another story.

He was engrossed in the tale and ignored me, (nothing new there) so I jabbed him a bit harder, cleared my throat more violently and even faked a few little coughs to get his attention.

The result was far from what I expected. As I attempted to nudge him for the third time, both of the young men jumped to their feet and rushed toward me. One grabbed the back of my chair and abruptly jerked it away from the table. Then, before I had time to react, the other, in a lightening fast kung fu motion, jerked me out of the chair, pulled me to my feet and began administering the Heimlich maneuver!

Their obvious misinterpretation of my attempt to silence my husband struck me as hilarious and I began to laugh. Unfortunately my laughter came out as gasps and "uuumphs" because of the Heimlich maneuver compressions against my sternum.

Before I knew it our table was surrounded by other restaurant patrons, waters, and even a wide-eyed chef holding a cleaver.

I knew if I could control my laughter and relax a bit everything would be alright, but the more I thought about what was happening, the funnier it became to me.

Finally I was able to take a fairly deep breath, nod my head and squiggle out from under the arms that were clamped tightly around me. The harsh compressions and laughter left me breathless, flushed and teary eyed. My hair was dishevelled and my make-up streamed down my face. What a sight I must have been!

As I sucked in a deep breath of air I heard someone in the crowd say "Oh thank God she's ok, that was close."

I turned to face my "rescuers". I badly wanted to tell them they had made a terrible mistake and that I had not actually ever choked. However, seeing the look of genuine concern and the glint of pride on every one's face. I simply didn't have the heart to tell them I was never in any danger of choking. So Instead I gave each of them a hug and rasped out "Thank You for saving my life."

The restaurant attempted to give us a free meal. When I emphatically refused, they sent me home with a little container of Kung Pau Chicken. I don't think I will ever again be able to eat Kung Pau Chicken with out exploding into uproarious laughter and deep gratitude for the love of friends.

Even though I never actually choked, I had indeed been rescued.