The Headless Moose on Isle 9

I've just returned from an interesting trip to one of our local up-scale grocery stores. Here's why it was interesting:

A couple of our friends more -or-less invited themselves over to our house for a barbecue later this afternoon. Since I was unprepared for guests I asked them what they would like in the way of refreshments. They said "Oh a couple of Moose Head Beers would be great if you have them." I told them that a 6 pack of Moose Head would be in the refrigerator cooling when they arrived. When I hung up the phone I made a quick list of things I needed for their unexpected visit and rushed to the store.

When I parked my car and rambled up the ramp to the front door of the store I was approached by 4 small children dressed in the uniform of our local Catholic School. I guessed them to be in Kindergarten or maybe First Grade. They were selling raffle tickets to benefit there school... Ok, well you might as well know this about me, I'm a sucker for cute little kids selling things, and these little girls were way beyond cute, so I bought a couple of tickets and went into the store.

Things were going pretty well in the store until I hit the beer isle. To my surprise there was only one carton of Moose Head beer in the cooler and it was missing one bottle. Since it was the only pack on the shelf there I put it in my basket.

Things really started going wrong at the checkout stand. When the clerk saw there were only 5 bottles of Moose Head beer in the 6 pack carton she look suspiciously at me and said "Where's the other bottle?" I told her there were only 5 in it when I found it and that it was the only pack on the shelf. She stared me down for a brief moment taking my measure, then quickly slid the 5 pack under her counter and said "Well, I can't sell a broken pack." When I explained that I was expecting company later in the day and they had requested the beer she showed no sympathy and continued to slide my other items across the scanner. "Please" I pleaded "Can we call the manager or someone to help, I really do need to buy a 6 pack or even a 5 pack for our guests."

She stopped scanning, scowled at me and put one hand on her hip. With her other hand she picked up the intercom and said in an irritated yet monotone voice "There is a lady in the express isle who is missing a Moose Head can someone help?"

There was a collective gasp from behind me and when I turned around I saw the 4 tiny tots who sold me my raffle ticket. They each clutched an orange juice carton in their hands. Their mouths were agape and their eyes as large as silver dollars. I smiled and was about to attempt an explanation, but then I thought better of it. I didn't know which would be worse; letting them think I was looking for a missing head from a real moose or that I was buying beer in front of their innocent little eyes. I decided to let it go. Meanwhile the checker stood with both hands on her hips and shouted an apology to the ever growing line behind me. "Sorry folks, this lady needs another Moose Head, it will just be a minute."

The guy behind the little girls saw the humor in the situation and said "I think I saw a headless moose on isle 9 if that helps" I tried to laugh but what came out sounded more like a dog choking on a bone. Meanwhile, the little girls spun in unison, rocketed up on their tiptoes, and tried to see where isle 9 was." The rest of the line just smirked, their interest was obviously only in getting the line moving again.

In a minute, which seemed like an eternity, a young employee came to the check out stand and asked what was going on. The clerk said "This lady only has 5 Moose Heads in this pack " She pointed under the counter. "So go look in the dry pack section to see if there is a warm one there she can buy." He shook his head and said "We don't keep Moose Heads in the dry pack section, just in the cold case, but I'll see what I can find in back."

I looked down at the little girls who were now clutching their orange juice containers close to their chest. They looked deeply disturbed and I really wanted to say something to them, but words failed me. They were deathly silent and wide-eyed . They kept spinning around as though they expected a headless moose to come charging out from one of the isles at any moment. I imagined the horror running rampant in their minds as they imagined me cooking 6 moose heads for dinner... maybe boiled in a witches cauldron. It's likely they will be having nightmares tonight."

Once again the clerk started scanning more of my items and yelled a second apology to the mass of people in line behind me "We're working on getting this lady another Moose Head, it will just be another minute." People pushing carts past the checkout stand stopped and looked in my direction. They too were totally confused. I wanted to yell "It's a brand of Beer, not a real moose head" but embarrassment collected in my throat and was strangling me. I just smiled weakly and turned my back on them.

Suddenly I felt a tug on the back of my T-Shirt. I turned and looked around, then down at one of the little girls who had apparently collected enough courage to speak. She said "Why don't you want the whole moose not just it's head? I like moose's." The girl next to her was apparently fortified by the first girls courage because she added "That's mean!"

About that time the young employee ran up with a bottle of Moose Head and set it on the counter. "OH look" I said to the little girls "You see, it's not a real moose head, it's just a drink by that name...see Moose Head" I pointed to the bottle of beer and hoped they were not old enough to read but...of course they were. When the clerk pulled the 5 pack out from under the counter and plunked the new bottle down into it's slot the girls shouted in loud unison "BEER?" A look of total disgust and admonishment was so prevalent on their little faces that I almost wished they had been a real moose head instead of just beer.